Small Dogs: The litmus test of a man's commitment

The other day, Jessica and I were walking along the beach when we saw in the distance what must have been a mirage.  A man who appeared to be in his mid-30's, in relatively good shape, marginally attractive, and fairly heterosexual looking was walking a small dog. 

Now, this wasn't a small dog like a daschund, or even a pug.  Oh no, this was a Yorkipoo.  What's a Yorkipoo?  It is a hybrid of a Yorkie and a Poodle.  Quite clearly, this is a hunting dog.  In fact, I bet this guy used his for home protection.

The piece de resistance was not the little yappy dog, or even the bright pink leash, but the bow in the dog's hair.  Oh yes, this little ball of cuteness had a pink bow.

Now, I might portray myself as an intellectual, a post-Renaissance thinker if you will, but when I see a small dog, I revert to a blithering girlish idiot. 

Jessica and I saw the dog and both started squealing at the same time.

"Oh my gosh!  Look! It's sooooo cute!"

These are yorkiepoos.  They are the
enemy of straight men everywhere.

Even Jay Mohr 

"I just wanna hug it!" 

"Awwww!"

"Look at it's little paws trying to keep up!"

"That guy looks like he wants to kill himself though," I pointed out.  Based on his grimace, downcast eyes, and hunched shoulders, this man was praying he did not run into anyone he knew.

"It's probably his wife's dog," Jessica said.

"No it's not.  I guarantee it."

"His girlfriend's then.  Whatever."

"Nope," I said, shaking my head, as we approached them.  "I guarantee not."

Jessica looked at me confused.

I sighed, taking this opportunity to explain something I've learned after years of having a small dog. 

"Look, I guarantee we aren't going to see a wedding ring on his finger.  That dog belongs to a woman he hasn't even slept with yet."
 

AWWWW!!!! 

She looked at me quizically.

"See, a man will tolerate the small dog in the initial stages of dating.  He wants to prove that he is caring, sensitive, and all that bullshit.  He'll walk the dog.  He'll babytalk the dog.  He'll even agree to help dress it up in sailor outfits."  (Sorry Paul.)  "But, once he has sealed the deal, and especially once he has committed to the woman, he's not taking that dog anywhere.  I've made every guy take my dog out when we were initially dating.  With Matt, I made him walk the dog along the main road as everyone was driving to work.  After a few months?  The guy makes jokes about how far he could punt the dog."  (Assholes)

We approached the two, and just mauled the little munchkin with petting.  While Jessica was rubbing her belly, I looked up.  Nope, no wedding ring.
 

"How long have you had her?" I asked.

"Uh, it's not mine," he mumbled, scanning the beach for potential co-workers or friends who might pull a man card (or ten).  "It's um, this girl, I'm, um....kinda...well...I don't know...."

Ha.  I was right. 

So we said goodbye and continued on our way.  As I walked away, I said a little prayer for our friend on the beach.  I hope he hooks this woman soon, because if not, well, looks like he'll be picking out a princess costume for Halloween.