American Zombies

Today I am going to talk about two things I love: zombies and liberty.  I consider myself a current freedom fighter and a reserve zombie fighter.  When the infestation starts, I'm ready to grab my weapons and start some zombie killing.   

The other day my friend Jackie posted ancomment about the impending zombie apocalypse on her Facebook page.  (Quite clearly, we are young professionals providing a valuable service to our employers during the workweek).

She said, and I quote, "I don't have a zombie plan, other than to become one...do I have to get bitten to turn into one? How bad can it be..."

OH.  MY.  GOODNESS.

I immediately chided her for her ignorance and proceeded to gather up my required reading materials- my best zombie literature including "World War Z," "Zombie Survival Guide," "The Morning Star Strain," and the LZR series.  I expect a book report by next Friday.

Her question made me think though.  Would it really be bad to be a zombie?  I mean, there's no stress.  Your one goal is to feed on the flesh of living humans.  You don't have to worry about running away from a herd of the undead, fortifying yourself in an abandoned armory, or finding an uncontaminated food source. 

Zombies, well, they basically just wander aimlessly in an attempt to survive.  They have a herd mentality, but can't communicate with one another.  When one moans, the others listen to it (zombies are asexual, and after rotting for months on end, are pretty much unidentifiable as one sex or another).  The zombies clumsily converge in a blind grasp for feeding.   

Herd mentality?  Blindly following a sound byte?  If it weren't for the rotting appendages, I'd think we were discussing the current state of the American sheeple.

So many people today are so unaware of how to help themselves that they might as well be zombies.  They know there are problems, but blindly do what the government tells them, because they trust in this higher collectivist thinking.  They don't really want to worry about anything when the government could easily just take care of them.  The problem is that like zombies, no one is leading the American people to anything that will really help their situation.  Sure, there are temporary solutions.  The government promises to throw us a meal occasionally in the form of a tax break, government program, etc.  But these are just temporary fixes designed to satiate just long enough until the next meal.  

I see the general populace every day complaining about high gas prices, the cost of living, unemployment, etc.  I hear all the time, "When is Obama going to do something about this?"  This is not an attack on Obama, because four years ago, the zombie sheeple were waiting for Bush to save them.    Today, people are more interested in watching reality TV and being lulled into complacency by mindless drivel, while neglecting the important issues that could affect their future.  

Wait!  So, Zoe, are you saying that THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS ALREADY UPON US?  

Yes, yes, I am.  How do I know?  Well, as a researcher of all things zombie, I've come up with some characteristics of zombies.  See if they remind you of anyone you know.

1. Slack skin and lifeless eyes.  

2. Collectivist mind set.   

3. Inability to communicate.  

4. Slow moving and directionless

5. One track mind- survival is sole focus

6. Rudimentary understanding at best of tools available for use

7. No concept of personal achievement

"Save us.....mmmm....brains....

So what do we do?  Well, according to the books, the zombie apocalypse can end in one of two ways.  First, the humans manage to eradicate every zombie, or at least enough that they can fortify their cities and barricade against the remaining ones.  The second solution is that someone finds an antidote or vaccine.  In this scenario, the uninfected are prevented from infection and in some cases, current zombies can regain some cognitive skills.  Isn't it time that we come up with an antidote to American zombie-ism?