The One Reason '13 Reasons Why' Got it Wrong

Like many people this week, a large portion of my free time was spent watching the new Netflix show, 13 Reasons. (The other part was spent downloading, sharing, or making United memes.)

As good of a show as it was (it was extremely well-written, produced, and executed), it sent across one very bad message- that others are to blame for our actions.

People are Mean. It's a fact of life.
Aside from the last tape, everything that Hannah went through happened to 99% of girls (myself included) who went to large public high schools (and probably smaller ones and private schools too, but I can't speak for them). Look at our internet culture. Look at the mean things people say to each other in the comments section. Just yesterday I had some guy who had an Affliction logo as his profile picture call me an "old hag with a joker smile." My offense? Questioning his assertion that women "expired after the age of 25." No one makes it through high school without hurting. No one makes it through life without hurting either.

No one remembers the rumors- they remember your legacy.
Does it suck to be called a slut when you've barely only kissed a boy? Of course it does. My sluttiness originated from the fact that I was well-developed at a young age and a junior boy was seen speaking to me as a freshman- which clearly meant we were getting busy behind the wrestling mats after school. (Said wrestling mats doubled a hot makeout spot and a source of at least two ringworm outbreaks.) When I asked some of my friends if they remembered the rumors about me, they couldn't recall- just as years later, I can't recall the rumors about them. This is because everyone had rumors about them- you got tagged for a week and then people moved on to the next. What people do remember about me is that I did the morning announcements and one time I accidentally hit someone in the head with a golf club. (I'm still so, so, sorry about that Jon! It was an accident- I promise!)

90% of our problems we cause ourselves.
Hannah had so many chances to do the right thing, but she didn't. She had a chance to stand up to those who wronged her- she had a chance to save Jessica, but she didn't. Instead, she claimed she was traumatized. She claimed victimhood, but she was complacent in what happened. When she saw Tyler outside her window, she could have called the police (she had a witness as well), but she didn't. She waited for someone or something else to save her. Even when people tried to help, she was too self-involved to recognize it. She blew off the three people who tried to be kind and help her (Clay, Zach, and the counselor). I don't know what kind of miracle she was waiting for, but she had opportunities to make things right and she didn't.

We can't change people- we can only change ourselves
My main problem with the show was that it seemed to think that it was others' fault that Hannah killed herself. Every keyboard warrior in the world right now is madly typing about the importance of anti-bullying efforts and preaching zero tolerance. Yes, anti-bullying efforts are great. Anyone who bullies or harasses should face the consequences. No one is going to argue that. However, mean girls (and guys) are never going to go away. Conflict is a part of life- and it's a part of growth.

I saw some internet commenters talking about this is why they homeschool their kids. That's not the answer. Locking kids away and protecting them from people who might be different from them (or maybe unkind towards them) is not the answer. The answer is building children (and adults) up so that they believe in themselves. It is far easier for me to tell a friend how amazing and wonderful she is than it is for me to convince someone else to stop being mean to her. My best friend Jason put it best one day when I was feeling down after someone was unkind to me and he was reminding me of all that I had going on. He said: "A best friend protects you from your worst enemies- even when that enemy is yourself."

There is no fairy that's going to come wave a wand and make everything all better. It's time that we alter our perception of how we can help ourselves and others- we need to build each other up so that no one can tear us down. 

And while it's important to remember to stand up for ourselves, sinking to the level of insulting those who hurt isn't worth it. Fighting fire with fire makes no sense at all. 

Success is the best form of revenge. And to be successful, we must go out into the world ourselves, pave our own path to success, and not worry about the mean girls. A decade or more after high school, the mean girls will probably be collecting welfare checks, failing at their latest MLM, or be dead of a meth overdose. 

And the world will be reading your words. Not theirs.